Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm sobbing to NWA
The Olympian is in my bed
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
