buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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