do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
