Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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