The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
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