So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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