He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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