my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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