Her vagina should come with caution tape.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
