I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
