i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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