i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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