Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
