and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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