Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
