Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
