"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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