I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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