I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize