Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
