Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
