wakey wakey hands off snakey
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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