I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize