I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
