i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
