I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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