is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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