She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just threw up on my dentist
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize