I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
