Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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