I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
We are all done wearing pants today
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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