he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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