WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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