I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
