Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
there was a trapeze. enough said
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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