I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
