he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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