I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
