i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Randomize
