My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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