**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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