She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize