I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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