you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
