Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize