my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize