If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
