the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
