Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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