I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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