She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
