I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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