So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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