Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
