hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
