I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
barbara walters just said penis...
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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