No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
