Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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