i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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