I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize