My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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