im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Hippo gnu deer
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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